Welcoming Grief for the Holidays: Soul Sculpting Project

My dad died a year ago today. Late stage Parkinson’s, a fast decline. My husband and I had the privilege of caring for him at the end.  The time was good and beautiful, but it was hard. Losing someone we love is hard business.

It’s been a year now of putting the estate in order and sorting through family belongings.

I’m still not done.

Earlier this week I came to my family’s Christmas box.  I was not ready for the flood of emotions that came when I opened the box and saw my dad’s Christmas stocking. 

Sometime in my early teens I decided it just wasn’t fair that my parents had to fill, not only my stocking, but their own stockings at Christmas. So I began to stay awake on Christmas Eve, waiting for them to go to bed. Then I snicked out to the living room and added things to their stocking, trying hard not to peek in my own bulging stocking

As an adult I continued stuffing my parents’ stockings. Some years this stuffing required sewing new stockings and mailing them to a distant home. In recent  years we’ve lived close enough to return  to the in-person stuffing.  

One year after my mom died, my dad failed to put out his stocking on Christmas Eve. When we came by to visit I asked with surprise, “Where was his stocking?” 

He retrieved it from the Christmas box and set it out so I could do my job. From then on my dad dutifully put out his stocking on Christmas Eve knowing that I would continue to be coming by to stuff it. 

This week when I opened the Christmas box and caught sight of my dad’s most recent stocking, memories of stuffing that  stocking came to me with the tears of loss. 

My grief had come to call again.

What do we do when grief comes to call for the holidays?

It happens to a lot of us.

Nowadays I’m choosing to welcome grief.

Why welcome grief? Well, to begin with, it’s already here so pretending it’s not here is not a useful strategy. Welcoming grief reminds me that I am the one who is in charge of my emotions. 

When I opened the box the emotion grief came with lightning speed and though it felt like it was out of my control, hardwired in my brain, it was not. Emotions science is now telling us that emotions are not hardwired in our brains. Emotions are not a phenomena that happens to us outside of our control. We are the ones who design our emotions. 

 I was the one creating the emotion grief as I gazed in the Christmas box. My dad’s empty stocking on the top of the box was stuffed with sweet memories. Those memories reminded me of my loss. In a split second my mind decided grief was the appropriate emotion for the loss and I agreed with my mind’s wise choice of emotions for this situation. So I welcomed my grief with respect.   

I do not do this welcoming all by myself. Grief can be a difficult emotion.

I do this in the company of a companion who is “well acquainted with sorrow and grief”, Jesus. 

A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Is 53:3

The particular moment that I opened this Christmas box was not a good time for me to have an appointment with grief. So I chose to close up the box and wait until I could set aside time to have a full and helpful appointment with my guest grief.

When I had a block of time later in the day I invited Jesus to join me as I returned to the box and welcomed the flood of emotions that came to me as I sorted through the family Christmas treasures. When I finished the work I dismissed the emotion grief into God’s care and chose the emotion gratitude.

 How did I make this adjustment? By changing my self-talk. I expressed my gratitude  for the excellent parents that shaped my life and then turned my thoughts to the amazing family that I have now. The good and the beautiful of right now.

 Soul Sculpting Project: Welcoming Grief for the Holidays

When grief comes to call:

1. Invite God to keep you company
2. Respectfully welcome grief as an appropriate emotion. Remember and cry.
3. When you’re finished, dismiss the emotion of grief and choose a different emotion.
4. Turn your thoughts to things that support the new emotion.

Invite God’s kind help throughout. 

Will grief come to call again when I put some of those old family ornaments on our Christmas tree this year?

Perhaps. And when it does I will welcome it and then dismiss it and choose Joy.

Grief is an appropriate emotion, so is joy.