The conversation yesterday was pathetic. The other person communicated honestly, offering good questions. I was the problem.

 In the past I might have said to myself “Okay, talking doesn’t work for me. Just be quiet.” But I’ve tried that just be quiet technique often enough to know that it doesn’t work either.

I’ve tended to avoid difficult conversations and I am not alone. Remaining silent is the technique that most of us use. It’s easy and feels safe, but it doesn’t create real improvement in a problem situation. 

Speaking-up is difficult and I’ve experienced conversations – like yesterday’s – when my speaking-up went very poorly. 

So, no communication creates no improvement, sometimes making the situation even worse. And communication can be a miserable experience with its own set of problems.

Is there any other choice?  

There is, but it requires a set of skills that none of us were born with. We have to learn to become good communicators in difficult situations. 

I have entered into a season of challenging conversations, so I decided that I needed better communication skills.  I’m now reading, learning, and attempting to put into practice what I have learned.

Before I Even Open My Mouth

 My first step has been to work on myself and my stories before I enter a conversation.

Let’s imagine the case of a person who has behaved poorly — said or done something that we feel is wrong.

Many of us have developed a bad attributive thought habit. It works like this.

When we do something bad we attribute it to circumstances, rather than our character.

•  “I’m late because I had a bunch of unexpected last minute responsibilities.” 

When someone else has bad behavior we attribute it to their character, rather than the circumstances. 

• “They’re late because they’re lazy and just don’t care.”

The trick to improve this bad attributive thought habit? 

Don’t just give ourselves a circumstantial break, but to give it to others, as well.

Sounds kind of like Jesus’s instructions to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Try an Attributive Thought Adjustment

When you think about another person’s bad behavior:

• choose to explore the many possible factors that could have influenced that behavior.

How might they have been influenced by other people, circumstances, environment, fears, hopes, body/health, their strengths and weaknesses, personal history . . .?

All of these factors influence me and everyone else I know.

This comes down to telling the kindest possible story in order to help us build respect  – for the other person, as well as ourselves..

Respect Matters – a lot

The foundation of good relationships and good communication is respect. Can I respect the individual I’m talking to? With respect involves a concern for the goals and values of the other person.

Ideally they can respect me, as well and we will reach that golden place of mutual respect.

When we build kinder stories we build respect for the other person.  

When we have respect we communicate that respect verbally and non-verbally. 

When a person feels respected and believes that their values are also respected, they will tend to feel safe, be more honest, and be better communicators.

Our odds of making improvements in a difficult situation can take a leap forward.

Soul Sculpting Project: Attributive Thought Adjustment

What difficult interpersonal communication is before you right now?

1. Invite the wisdom of God to inform your thinking.
2. Ponder every possible factor that might influence the other person’s behavior. Ideas: other people, circumstances, environment, fears, worries, hopes, body/health, their strengths and weaknesses, their childhood, . . . 
3.  Use these new possible factors to create a kinder story about the person. 

I’ve been testing out this Attributive Thought Adjustment for my current situation. I’ve spent time thinking about the other people involved and imagining every possible influence that might be shaping their behavior. Two benefits have emerged.

First, this thought adjustment has helped me build compassion for the other people involved. Second, an interesting boomerang effect has occurred. I now understand my own behavior in a more compassionate way, as well.

For more communication skills for tough conversations check out:

 Crucial Accountability and Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, Granny, Maxfield, McMillan, Switzler.