Soul Sculpting Project: Loving in Conflict: De-escalation Skill

Quiz:

• What three-letter word increases a conflict?
• What one-letter word decreases a conflict?

The three-letter word is ‘you’.

It works like this.

We are running late and we call out, “We are going to be late! Again!!! You always move so slow on Sunday. You just don’t care do you?”.

The ‘you’ word. We just used the word ‘you’ to create blame.

Now the person we are blaming could accept the blame and say, ‘Oh, you are so right. I move like a sloth and this makes it look like I don’t care. I will rush and never do this again.” A few folks would respond to your blame this way.

A few. Would you?

Reality is we don’t like to be blamed. Most folks do not respond graciously. When we use the ‘you’ word to blame others and we will escalate a conflict.

Q: So if ‘you’ to blame is not helpful what is another choice?

A: The one letter word is ‘I’ .

It works like this.

We are running late and we call out, “It looks like we are running late. I am feeling stressed, because it means a lot to me to be on time to this.”

The ‘I’ word. We just used the word ‘I’ to claim our problem.

Now the other person is not directly experiencing blame, but is experiencing our concerns. They could say’ I don’t care that you are stressed and want to be on time.”

A few might say this. Would you?

Reality is when we claim our part of the problem, rather than blame the other person, we will de-escalate a conflict.

The rule is this:  When in a conflict use ‘I’ to Claim, not ‘You’ to Blame.

Now let’s turn the tables.

We are running late and we hear our name being called, “______, we are going to be late! Again!!! You always move so slow on Sunday. You just don’t care do you?”.

The ‘you’ word. They just used the word ‘you’ to blame you.

What happens to us when we experienced being blamed?

A common response is one of defensiveness. We begin to defend ourselves. ‘It is not my fault!” We might deflect the blame shot at us right back to the person blaming us. “It is not my fault, it is actually your fault because . . ..

The rule is the same, no matter which side of the table we are on.

• When in a conflict use ‘I’ to Claim not ‘You’ to Blame

Rather than becoming defensive, claim responsibility where we can. Few problems are purely one-sided. When we are blamed, where can we honestly accept responsibility?

You are running late. You have just been blamed as the cause.

Your response: accept responsibility with the ‘I word. “I am sorry to make us late. I need to change my morning routine so I can be ready earlier.”

Changing from ‘you’ language to ‘I’ language is one of the many skills encouraged by Dr. John Gottman and associate to build healthy, happy relationships. I am grateful for his work. You can find many resources online with the Gottman Institute.

Soul Sculpting Project: Loving in Conflict. Use ‘I’ to Claim not ‘You’ to Blame

• When in conflict talk about your feelings by using ‘I’ statements and expressing a positive need.
• Avoid using ‘you’ statements and expressing a negative judgment, which will make others feel attacked.
• When you are being blamed, accept responsibility where you can.

  Bonus de-escalation tips:

1. Create a gentle start to any conflict conversation.
2. Use gestures of care, some eye contact, and humor throughout the conflict.

Let us then pursue what makes for peace and mutual up-building. (Romans 14: 19)